It’s the morning. Whitney Houston’s “I Want to Dance with Somebody” is playing in the background as I sing to my few-weeks-old infant while we wait for my husband to bring up a bottle. I’m in complete bliss.
Society has demanded a lot from me with my last three pregnancies. The crushing weight of it’s expectations and the pressure of being a “supermom” and “bouncing back” still weigh on me, even as I actively work at my own personal revolt against what is considered “normal” after having a baby. With my fourth, everything has shifted, and I am learning in the beauty of all of these changes, good and bad.
This may not be true for everyone, but having four kids feels like my sweet spot. I remember the transition from 2 to 3 children, and it is a transition that still haunts me at night. Not as often, but let’s just say four years later and we are still working out the kinks before I gave birth to my fourth. And as I approach a month of being a mother of four, my life has shifted in a way that I had for a long time dreamed about. Yes, four is our sweet spot, and while my chapter of birthing children has ended, my journey with my family feels like it is just beginning, and the path is entrancing.
I have lived for the “what’s next” and “when will” parts of my life. Looking ahead as always fueled my day to day, but since the birth of my fourth I am learning to live in the tiny pockets of joy and laughter that are filled throughout my day. Time is precious to me, and flies the moment it hits 10am. As a person who clings to those 8am wake ups, my days now start early morning so I can keep up with these moments, and stay present. I’m not rushing for anyone. This time is important to me, and I want to savor every bit.
Rest has also been redefined for me, and even when a little voice tries to tell me that I’m not being productive, a much louder voice takes over and bellows that I need to park it. I am humbled and grateful for this voice because it reshapes the thoughts of not doing enough, to do doing exactly what I should be doing.
Four has changed my views and thoughts around the relationships in my life. This last pregnancy was a rough one, and when I thought I would struggle alone, people have come from all corners of the world and rooms to support and help me get through. I appreciate and honor those who were there, and am grateful and want them all to know that there are not enough thank yous that I can express for what it has done for me.
I also have found myself meeting people where they are at and letting go of what’s not meant to be. I am flowing where the love and peace are. Embracing it. I can’t make everyone happy and those who are meant for me will be there in they way that makes sense for them.
Also, as a family of six, you don’t really have time to dwell in spaces and conversations not meant for you.
Little things are just that. Little.
We tell ourselves that we don’t know how we can split our love again and again as our families grow, but I don’t think anything is split. Instead, I believe our hearts grow bigger for our children and spouse and it radiates strongly and more bright than before. Having four kids is a grand adventure, and one I hope that is filled with light and laughter.
Welcome to the world baby #4!
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